How to Break Bad News to Your Kid

Difficult conversations can be a huge source of anxiety and dread.

If you’ve ever had to deliver bad news or have a difficult conversation, you already know how hard it can be.

If you’ve got something difficult you need to discuss with your kid, you might be worried it won’t go well. Maybe you’re even worried it’s going to ruin your relationship with them.

Thankfully, there are some simple strategies to help you prepare to have a difficult conversation that’s productive, and even relationship enhancing.

Step 1: create a conversation structure

Think about the conversation you need to have with your kid. Whether it’s about them or about you, you’re likely worried it won’t go well.

The first step in preparing for a tough conversation is to create a structure around it.

This means deciding when you’ll have it, who will be there, and how to begin. Here are some important questions to consider.

When will we have this conversation?

The best time to have a tough conversation is when someone is in a good mood. This is because they’re better equipped to handle something hard when they’re already feeling good. This can present a problem because most parents don’t want to ruin their kid’s mood.

If you’ve been avoiding a difficult conversation because of this fear, remind yourself that it’s more likely to go well if your kid is in a happy or calm state. You might feel guilty for upsetting them, and that’s normal and OK.

Notice when they’re most likely to be receptive and plan around their schedule.

There’s no right or wrong here! You may decide the weekend is the best time because there’s time to process before going back to school.

Who will be involved in this conversation?

Is this a family meeting or a one-on-one conversation? Decide ahead of time who needs to be there and if anyone should sit this one out.

For instance, you may want to talk to all your children at once, or separately, depending on age differences.

Who will start the conversation?

If you have a partner that’s part of this conversation, it’s important to decide ahead of time who will start talking first.

If you’re planning to start, have a collaborative discussion with your partner about when they can jump in or if there are specific parts you’d like them to lead.

Step 2: confront your worst-case scenario

We’ve all avoided a tough conversation because we’re worried about the worst-case scenario happening. This is perfectly normal and it’s actually a sign your brain is doing its job.

Your brain is a problem-solving machine, and what requires the most amount of problem solving? Worst-case scenario.

The good news is that there’s often really important, valuable information in our worst fears. Use that problem-solving machine for good by pivoting these fears into preventative action.

Consider these important questions and write down your answers:

What am I most afraid will happen?

Use these fears and concerns as a flashlight: they will provide you with incredibly important information about how to approach this conversation.

If you’re afraid your kid will get angry and start yelling, you could soften the start of your conversation and set expectations around appropriate behavior
If you’re afraid your kid will hate you, then that tells you how much you deeply care about maintaining your connection. Continually show them through your actions and eventually their anger will subside
If you’re afraid your kid will ignore you, you could schedule your conversation as well as a follow-up time to continue the discussion

What is the best-case scenario?

Did your brain automatically dismiss the possibility of best-case scenario? Good! Then it’s doing its job.

Since you don’t have to plan ahead for best-case, it’s easier for your brain to blow past it. Actively cultivate an alternative perspective to lessen your anxiety and avoidance about having this conversation.

Related: How to Calm Your Anxiety

Step 3: write out your most important talking points ahead of time

To prevent getting pulled off-topic, getting caught up in a tantrum, or forgetting to say something important, write out the most important points ahead of time.

If you’re not sure what’s most important, try setting some time ahead to do a quick brain dump of all the main points you’d ideally like to make.

Then you can sort through what you’ve written and whittle it down to the most crucial bullet points.

Use these as a conversation starter so that you’re not reading from a script. They’ll also help you remember any points you’d like to make.

You might be tempted to skip this step because you don’t want your conversation to seem stuffy or formal, but having an outline ahead of time will prevent any unnecessary tangents or conflict. You don’t have to read it like a script, but it can be helpful to have something to go back to if things go off track.

Step 4: schedule your discussion

Like I mentioned above, schedule time to talk when everyone is most likely to be in a good mood.

Don’t spring anything on your kids or tell them something potentially painful when they don’t have adequate time to process.

You might be tempted to avoid talking about this for fear of ruining everyone’s mood, but remember that difficult conversations are more likely to go well when everyone is in an OK or good mood.

Decide what works for everyone’s schedule and put it in the calendar. It’s important to leave enough time and space for your kids to listen, respond to what you’re saying, and ask any questions.

Quick do’s and don’ts

Do schedule it ahead of time by letting them know you’d like to have a family meeting or family discussion
Don’t tell them you’re delivering bad news, even if they press you for more information
Do encourage an open dialogue after you’ve stated your points
Don’t shut down any negative thoughts or feelings your kids have, even if it’s difficult to hear

Step 5: keep an open line of communication

Any time you’re delivering tough news, whether it’s an impending divorce, a death in the family, or moving across the country, there’s no way to know for sure how your kids will take the news.

They may surprise you and take it in stride. Or they may have a complete meltdown and beg you to reconsider.

Either way, try to be open and accepting of whatever they express to you. You don’t have to accept or condone any boundary-violating behavior (such as yelling or throwing things), but you can always validate the emotions underneath their behavior.

This will likely stir up some tough feelings and so your job is to remain steady and secure for them so that they know everything will be OK.

Use this as an opportunity to build trust and security by accepting their reaction as it is. Continue to openly communicate with them about next steps, answer any questions, or give them space when they need it.

I hope these steps have given you a helpful framework to communicate bad news to your kid!

The most important thing to remember is that no matter what you need to tell them, try to remain open, curious, and accepting of whatever happens.

Planning ahead will help reduce unnecessary conflict or miscommunication, and keeping an open line of communication afterwards will help build trust and safety in your relationship.

For more help setting boundaries, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work

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