How to Be More Assertive
Do you wish you were more assertive in your personal and professional life?
You want to create and hold firm boundaries to get your needs met and avoid being taken advantage of by others.
But what happens when you consistently struggle to assert yourself? You’re left feeling like there’s no space for your voice or needs. This is a recipe for resentment and burn out.
Read on to learn simple, actionable tools you can use to be more assertive with friends, family, romantic partners, and at work.
Table of Contents
Why It’s Hard to Stand Up For Yourself
How Did Your Family Handle Conflict?
The 4 Different Communication Styles
What Are Examples of Assertive Communication
The GIVE Technique
How to Make a Formal Request
How to Say No Without Feeling Like a Jerk
How to Have An Assertive Conversation
How to Speak Confidently
How to Manage Your Anxiety
How to Stop Avoiding Hard Conversations
Why it’s hard to stand up for yourself
Many people struggle to be assertive because they vacillate between being passive because they want to avoid conflict and aggressive because they’ve let things go for too long and eventually blow up.
When you confuse aggression with assertiveness, this can drive you back towards passivity and avoidance because you think “If I stand up for myself, I’m going to blow up or upset the other person.”
Does any of that sound familiar? If so, the good news is that it’s possible to become assertive without feeling guilty or rude.
How did your family handle conflict?
Start reflecting on where you learned what it means to be assertive or to stand up for yourself. This is a really important first step because you need to check for any mental blocks that may prevent you from using these skills.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Growing up, how did your family deal with conflict?
What did your parents, siblings, or friends teach you?
What are your biggest concerns or fears about asking for what you need or telling someone how you feel?
Children learn to get their needs met through their family, and you may find the same behaviors that helped you growing up are now getting in the way of getting your needs met as an adult.
Being aware of these automatic behaviors is the first step towards changing them.
Need to Set boundaries but aren’t sure how?
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The 4 Different communication Styles
There are four main types of communication styles:
Passive
Aggressive
Passive Aggressive
Assertive
If you’re trying to be more assertive, then it’s important to pay attention to how you typically communicate right now when you’re trying to get your needs met.
An aggressive person gets their needs met, but at the cost of long-term relationships
A passive person doesn’t get their needs met, but is able to avoid feeling anxious or potentially losing the relationship
A passive-aggressive person gets the worst of both: they don’t get their needs met and it can cost them relationships
While passive-aggressiveness is the unhealthy balance between passivity and aggressiveness, assertiveness is the healthy balance. It means stating your needs in a direct, respectful manner and within personal boundaries.
Related: How to Deal With a Bad Roommate
What are examples of assertive communication?
Let’s take a look at a few scenarios that might require assertive communication and how that might compare to passive or aggressive styles.
Example 1:
Your boss constantly piles work on your desk without checking that you have the time or resources to finish. You’re getting fed up with this routine.
An aggressive person might blow up during a meeting or demand that someone else take the work. They may threaten to quit or walk out
A passive person would complain to themselves (or friends) while overworking to get it done. They might make lots of little mistakes because they’re overworked or sacrifice personal time to finish everything
An assertive person would speak directly and respectfully to their boss about what they’d like to see change. They might also request additional help to manage the workload
Example 2:
Your roommate leaves dirty dishes around the house and doesn’t clean up after themselves. You’re tired of living in their mess and feel trapped.
An aggressive person might storm into their room and threaten to kick them out unless they start doing their fair share
A passive person might wash those dishes or do the chores and silently stew about it. (And a passive-aggressive person might leave a nasty post-it note)
An assertive person would sit down with their roommate and respectfully discuss their concerns about sharing the load of responsibilities
Example 3:
Your friend always chooses where the group goes and complains when they don’t get their way. You’re sick of their selfishness and you’re considering ending the friendship.
An aggressive person might blow up at the next group gathering or end the friendship
A passive person would continue to say nothing, but may start avoiding or ignoring this friend (and a passive-aggressive person might make snide remarks or talk badly about the friend behind their back)
An assertive person would talk privately to their friend about their concerns in a respectful way. They’d also point out the toll the friend’s behavior is taking on the friendship
Assertiveness Techniques
Skill #1: The GIVE Technique
When managing relationships and reducing conflict, remember the acronym G-I-V-E to start every interaction on the right foot.
Be Gentle
Be nice and respectful in your communication, don’t attack or use threats, or cast judgments
Act Interested
Listen and show genuine interest in the other person’s perspective, in the same way you would like them to
Validate
Show you understand their feelings or opinions and be non-judgmental. You don’t have to agree with someone to validate and understand their perspective
Use an Easy Manner
Try to stay calm and use non-threatening body language
How to make a formal request
Skill #2: DEAR MAN Technique
The D-E-A-R-M-A-N skill is excellent for situations where you need to formally request something or you’re concerned the recipient may disagree or say no.
Describe the situation
Start the conversation by stating only the facts of the situation and your observations. Try not to make judgments the other person could argue against.
Express an opinion/feeling
Use an "I" statement to express how you're feeling. This will prevent the other person from feeling criticized or blamed, which would likely lead to defensiveness and shut down.
Assert what you need or want or say "no"
State clearly what you need/want or say no to someone's request if you can't accommodate it.
Reinforce
Understand why you're making this request so you can state why you want the person to grant it.
Stay Mindful of what you need
Don't get sidetracked or pulled into an argument. Keep the focus on your request. If the other person keeps bringing up other issues, validate that those are clearly important to them and you’d like to discuss them after this specific conversation is resolved.
Appear Confident
Even if you're nervous or feel yourself getting upset, try to appear confident to make it harder for the other person to turn down your request. Practice with a friend first to feel more comfortable.
Negotiate
Since you aren't making a demand, be willing to negotiate based on the other person's needs. Also be willing to shut down the conversation and resume at a later date if it becomes unproductive.
How to say no without feeling like a jerk
Skill #3: The FAST Technique
If you struggle to say no, the F-A-S-T skill is a helpful way to maintain your self-respect and say no without feeling like a jerk.
Be Fair To Yourself
Always be fair to yourself and the other person.
No Apologies
Don’t over or under apologize, especially when you’re sticking to your principles or doing what’s best for you.
Stick To Your Values
Do what you know is best for you in the long-term and what feels right.
Be Truthful
Don’t lie or exaggerate, or make up excuses.
Remember that anytime you say no, the other person may feel disappointed, upset, or try to guilt trip you. This is perfectly normal and understandable, especially if they’re used to you saying yes all the time.
You may feel guilty or bad and that’s OK! Notice and acknowledge you feel bad and then reconnect with the reason you needed to say no in the first place. You can also think back to times you said yes despite not wanting to and think about what it cost you (likely resentment, regret, anger, or shame).
How to have an assertive conversation
If you're feeling nervous or avoidant, take some long, deep breaths and then imagine yourself successfully having this conversation.
How would you like to compose yourself?
What will you do differently than you normally do?
For instance, if you normally back down too quickly, you might envision yourself pausing and then reiterating your points. If you typically get flustered and storm off, you might take a few deep breaths before continuing.
Remind yourself that you can't control the other person or the outcome of your conversation, you can only control what you say and how you contribute. Think about what might be helpful to get your point across, exert influence, and remain true to yourself.
In the moment, stay mindful of how you’re feeling: if you notice yourself getting angry or defensive, take that as a signal to end the conversation and try again later.
Try saying something like: “This doesn’t feel helpful right now, let’s take a break and reconnect on this at (later date).”
Having a mini-script for pressing pause will prevent the conversation from getting out of hand or becoming unproductive.
How to build confidence
Remember that even if your first attempts at assertiveness don’t go the way you hoped, this doesn’t mean it’s hopeless or that you’re doing anything wrong. Skills take practice, so remind yourself that being assertive is another new skill you’re learning that you’ll get better at with time.
Even if you get pushback from those around you, don’t take that as a signal you should give up or that you’re doing the wrong thing. The people in your life may not be used to you asking for what you need and may not respond favorably right away.
Someone else’s negative reaction doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to ask for what you need or say no when you want to! Practice with people you trust before attempting again.
If you’re kicking yourself for doing something you didn’t plan on (like blowing up or giving in), try to be kind to yourself and use that as a learning lesson for next time.
Related: How to Stop Worrying and Ruminating
How to manage your anxiety
These situations may sound impossible or anxiety-inducing, especially for anyone who hates conflict. Try to think about it this way: are you willing to trade a few minutes of uncomfortable feelings for weeks, months, or even years of heightened anxiety, anger, and resentment?
Even after practicing these skills, you may still feel a twinge of anxiety when it’s time to be assertive. That’s totally normal.
If you typically cope with that anxiety by avoiding, these skills will help you manage your anxiety differently. You’ve already learned from experience that when you try to avoid conflict, that anxiety eventually returns (and with it comes anger and resentment).
And remember that even if you use all these skills perfectly, you still may not get the result you want. Instead of trying to control the outcome, it’s more helpful to act in a way that makes it more likely you get that desired outcome.
Assertiveness is the action that makes it more likely you get the result you’re hoping for. And your anxiety doesn’t have to get in the way! This is because it’s possible to be both anxious and assertive at the same time. Your anxiety doesn’t have to dictate how you speak up, it’s simply your nervous system’s way of alerting you to something scary.
Related: How to Calm Down Anxiety Quickly
How to stop avoiding hard conversations
If you’re starting to avoid confronting issues, think back to the last time you avoided having this kind of conversation:
What was the end result or consequences of that avoidance?
How did you feel afterwards?
Did the situation ever get resolved?
It’s understandable that you’d want to avoid something uncomfortable or potentially disappointing: that’s simply your brain trying to keep you safe. If you turned a corner a ran into a bear, you’d likely run away to avoid danger. That’s a helpful context for avoidance.
But when it comes to finding your voice? Avoidance comes at a high cost. That cost is often mental, emotional, and/or financial, so think about what it will cost you to avoid this time to decide whether you’re willing to pay that price.
Remind yourself avoidance is only useful in certain contexts. Stopping at a red light to avoid an accident is useful and healthy. Not leaving the house to avoid an accident? Not so much. Try to check each time whether you’re stopping at a red light or not leaving the house.
Related: How to Stop Procrastinating
Think about what difference it would make in your life if you felt comfortable expressing your needs in an assertive way. How would things be different if standing up for yourself felt possible?
For more help setting boundaries, check out my FREE mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work
