3 Myths about being nice to yourself
Are you really hard on yourself?
Maybe your inner critic judges or second guesses all of your decisions, or beats you up when you make a mistake. Or maybe your anxiety says unhelpful things about how others perceive you. These thoughts might be so pervasive and familiar you may not even notice most of the time.
Mountains of research show just how important it is to be kind to yourself so you can stay motivated, take calculated risks, and remain persistent in the face of setbacks. The absence of this kindness means that self-criticism, judgment, or even self-hatred can run wild.
There are several pervasive myths that consistently get in the way of being nice to yourself. Today I’m breaking down the most common ones so you can stop beating yourself up and start building up your confidence.
Table of Contents
What Is Self-Kindness?
Myth #1: I’ll Be Lazy Or Let Myself Off The Hook
Myth #2: Beating Myself Up Motivates Me
Myth #3: Self-Compassion Is Self-pity
How to Practice Being Nicer to Yourself
What is self-kindness?
Self-kindness, also known as self-compassion, is showing yourself the same kindness and compassion that you show others.
It’s important to take note of the difference between how you talk to yourself versus others. You’re probably much harder on yourself. If someone you care about is struggling, it’s likely you wouldn’t double down on it and make them feel worse.
Think of some of the worst insults your brain has come up with and consider whether you’d say them to your best friend or loved ones. Hopefully not!
This realization can make it easier to start dropping unhelpful thoughts and cultivating a more compassionate perspective. Learning how to be nicer to yourself comes down to three important components.
The 3 components of self-kindness
Mindfulness: noticing when you’re having a moment of suffering, whether it’s reeling from a failure, or feeling negative in some way
Self-kindness: talking to yourself like you would a close friend or someone you care about
Common humanity: recognizing that all humans suffer (note: this isn’t meant to diminish your suffering because “someone has it worse than me”; it’s meant to provide perspective that suffering is a universal human experience)
Now let’s talk about the most common myths that are holding you back from being nicer to yourself.
Myth #1: I’ll be lazy or let myself off the hook
This is the number one objection I hear when introducing the concept of self-compassion to clients. They worry about becoming lazy or weak, or even selfish, which means they’ll become irresponsible.
The good news is that you can be kind to yourself and take accountability for when you mess up, hurt someone, or need to make amends.
In fact, showing yourself kindness makes it more likely you take responsibility because it isn’t as scary to admit that you messed up.
Self-criticism and harshness is typically full of blame, which can set off a stress response, and is ultimately unhelpful. Self-compassion is a great alternative because it’s a way to investigate what happened without judgment, and learn from it without being harsh.
Want to improve your performance? Kindness is the answer
Nonjudgmental curiosity is crucial for self-improvement: research shows that self-criticism shuts down the learning centers in your brain. Your amygdala gets all fired up and sends out the alarm for a fight-flight response, which effectively shuts down the parts of your brain that learn and adapt. So when you beat yourself up, you miss out on an adaptive learning experience.
Self-compassion gives you some space to understand what happened and what you need to do better next time.
Example: you didn’t Prepare properly for a presentation and bombed
If you don’t acknowledge what got in the way of prepping, you can’t figure out how to do better next time. If you’re able to curiously investigate, you might find that you need extra support or collaboration, or even some encouragement when you struggle to come up with what to say.
Without this learning, you might blow off the next presentation, or meeting, or other responsibilities.
Next time, instead of letting negative thoughts run wild and avoiding your responsibilities, it’ll be easier to recognize that you’re having a tough time and need more support. You might decide to ask for more time, practice presenting with a co-worker, or invite a co-collaborator.
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Myth #2: Beating myself up motivates me
While it may seem like beating yourself up is motivating and gets you to work hard, it’s actually the very opposite.
Harsh criticism is demotivating because you’re operating from a fear-based state. Your brain is essentially trying to scare you into doing better.
You might get an initial jolt of motivation, and in fact you might have used this tactic for a long time, but you’ve probably noticed it comes at a high cost. And consider when other people are harshly judgmental of you, you usually end up feeling worse.
Self-compassion is a more reliable way to motivate yourself because you can directly access what you need, rather than just focus on your worst fears. Here’s an example that illustrates this process.
Example:
Let’s say you’ve got another important client presentation coming up and you’re starting to feel worried about not doing a good enough job. You naturally start to beat yourself up about it, even when it’s not very helpful. Self-compassion offers an entirely different perspective.
Beating yourself up: “I better nail this presentation or we’ll lose this client. Then I’ll get fired for sure. If I don’t answer all their questions perfectly I’ll look like an idiot.”
Self-compassion: “I really want to do well on this presentation because I want to take pride in my work and take my job seriously. I need enough time to prepare, so I’ll probably have to opt out of some meetings. If I get asked a question I’m unsure about, I’ll just tell them it’s a great question and I’ll get back to them on it.”
You can see how both examples illuminate what you ultimately want: to do well on your presentation and offer a valuable contribution. Beating yourself up only focuses on the possible negative consequences without any guidance or support to help you offset or prevent them.
Self-compassion helps you address these fears with workable solutions. So instead of only focusing on worrying how you’ll be judged if you can’t answer a question, you created a little script for yourself that you can call upon when needed. You also noted that you might need to say no to meetings that aren’t essential in order to maximize your prep time.
Myth #3: Self-compassion is self-pity
People often ignore their struggles and areas where they might fall short, mostly out of the worry that they’re throwing themselves a pity party or feeling sorry for themselves.
Or conversely, they might start wallowing in self-pity and forget that others have similar problems.
Avoiding self-pity by avoiding the pain associated with struggling, or being overly focused on it, will only lead to stress, shame, and poor coping skills. Self-compassion is a much more helpful alternative.
Self-compassion and self-pity are completely different ways to approach your struggles. Instead of ignoring what you’re experiencing, you can more easily make space for it, which in turns makes it less intense.
What’s the difference between self-pity and self-compassion?
Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerates the extent of your suffering. You might become carried away by your mind’s negativity, making it hard to step back, gain some perspective, and reach out for support.
Self-compassion allows you to see the related experiences of others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. You’re providing mental space to recognize the broader human context of your experience and put things into greater perspective.
This is that third component I mentioned earlier: common humanity, the recognition that all humans suffer. When you’re struggling in some way, you’re experiencing something that all humans will experience at some point. This might help you feel less alone.
How to practice being nicer to yourself
Self-compassion is a skill, and like any skill it takes consistent practice for it to become more natural and effortless.
The more you’re able to see your negative thoughts or feelings as a common human experience, the easier it is to bring some gentle kindness to yourself the same way you would for someone you care about.
The point of this exercise is to practice offering yourself the same support you offer others.
The next time you notice your mind beating yourself up, don’t try to argue whether it’s true or not. Instead, think about this:
Think about how everyone you care about has had moments of suffering, just like this one
Then consider what you’d say to a friend or loved one having similar thoughts or feelings
Try saying it out loud to yourself in the same exact way you’d say it to them.
You don’t have to immediately believe it because in fact, you’ll probably have some part of you that rejects it or feels uncomfortable. This is totally normal! It’s uncomfortable because it’s unfamiliar, not because it’s wrong. Over time, it’ll become more natural as you start to notice how much better it feels.
Related: How to Prioritize Your Mental Health
I hope this will help you begin treating yourself more kindly, without these myths getting in the way. It might be difficult to get used to, but the more you practice the easier it’ll be to replace negativity with encouragement.
For a deeper dive on self-compassion, including some simple exercises, check out my related post: How to Be Nicer to Yourself
