How to Stay Calm During a Fight
Arguments are often full of tense, even scary, emotions and you may find it hard to keep your cool.
As you’ve probably experienced in the past, it’s easy to go from calm to outright furious in no time. And once you’ve flipped your lid, it’s hard to come back from that.
This is especially true when it’s a fight with someone you care about: like a partner, close friend, or family member.
If you tend to blow up during arguments, then these tips will help you resolve what’s happening without damaging your relationships.
Deep Belly Breathing
Research shows that taking deep breaths down in your belly (aka your diaphragm) can engage the part of your nervous system called “rest and digest”. This is the opposite of fight-or-flight.
So by taking a few minutes to breathe deeply, you’re preventing your brain getting hijacked by your fight-or-flight system.
This system is designed to mobilize you for action and is incredibly useful in situations where you’re in danger. Unfortunately, during an argument, this might look like yelling, defending yourself, or storming off.
The quickest way to stay calm is to move your breath down into your belly and make a conscious effort to offset your threat system.
That deep breath can mean the difference between blurting out something hurtful you regret later versus something that addresses what’s happening and helps move the conversation forward in a productive way.
Instructions:
Put one hand on your chest and one on your stomach
Take a deep breath by inflating your stomach (making sure you’re breathing from your diaphragm and not the upper part of your chest) and hold for a few seconds
Gently exhale through your mouth and make the exhale longer than the inhale to promote the rest and digest response
Ground Yourself
What does grounding mean?
Simply put, grounding is a way to reorient yourself to the present moment. This allows you to make a choice about what to do in any given moment.
If you start to feel your anger rising and you’re trying to take deep breaths, take a moment to ground yourself in the present moment.
This can be as simple as pressing your feet on the floor or naming and describing what you see in your immediate environment. Try this simple grounding exercise the next time you feel angry, anxious, or upset (before you get into an argument).
This will help you pause before taking action, giving you more choice over what to do next.
Instructions:
Press and feel your feet on the floor and take a deep belly breath
Look around the room and notice what you see
Start naming objects (out loud if possible) in a descriptive way
Pick 1 object to hold and study mindfully
Feel the weight of it in your hands and notice how it feels to hold it
Take another deep belly breath and again press your feet on the floor
Practicing this regularly will allow you to quickly ground yourself without the other person even noticing. Simply pressing your feet on the floor can be enough to keep you present.
Stop Trying to Win
Whenever there’s conflict, it’s easy to see the other person as an adversary you need to beat or win against. The key to healthy conflict is stepping out of the mindset of “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
This is because needing to “win” by proving you’re right often means getting frustrated that the other person isn’t seeing it your way. This kind of frustration can easily escalate into anger and rage.
This makes it even harder for the other person to see it your way. It also means you’re unlikely to hear their perspective.
How do you change this mindset?
Consider that you actually have a shared goal: to stop fighting and reach a mutually satisfactory agreement. The more you stop trying to win, the more you’ll find resolutions that work.
Examples:
Parents fighting over how much screen time their kids should have daily both want to make sure their kids use technology responsibly
A couple arguing about where to spend the holidays both want to prioritize spending quality time with their family
See if you can stop trying to win and start reaching a resolution by silently saying to yourself, “We have a shared goal of resolving this.” Then think about any other shared goals you might have.
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Take an adult time-out
Time-outs have a bad reputation because they’re most often used as punishment when someone misbehaves.
An adult time-out isn’t punishment! When things start to get out of hand, you’ll each take time to calm down and re-enter the conversation in a more productive way.
The key is to not throw up your hands and exclaim, “I’m out of here!” This needs to be an agreed upon tactic with set parameters that both parties will adhere to.
Research shows time-outs should last around twenty minutes because that’s about how long it takes for your body to calm down. Whenever a time out is called, both parties will separate and do a calming activity.
Instructions:
Set a timer for 20 minutes
Use this time to engage in a calming activity on your own
Don’t use this time to formulate more arguments or think about how much of a jerk the other person is since this will just rile you up even more
Come back together and decide on your shared goal for the conversation
Remember that time-outs aren’t meant to be punitive. They’re meant to help you pause, consider what’s happening, and prevent further escalation.
Set and maintain boundaries
The best thing you can do during an argument is keep your cool and remain respectful, regardless of what happens. It’s also important to place boundaries around any behavior both of you consider out of bounds.
This might look like name-calling, making threats (like threatening to break up), and/or getting physically aggressive.
Decide what you consider a boundary violation and set expectations with the other person by letting them what’s not OK and allowing them to do the same. This way you’re both clear about what’s acceptable.
In addition to determining your boundaries, you need to also have a plan in place for how you’ll respond to any boundary-violating behavior:
Will you remind them and ask them to stop or rephrase what they just said?
Will you call a time-out?
Will you remove yourself for a set amount of time?
Since you can’t control whether someone respects your boundaries, it’s better to focus on how you’ll respond to their behavior instead of trying to control it.
Related: How to Deal with a Negative Friend
The next time you enter a situation that’s been fraught with conflict before, keep these tips top of mind so you can stay engaged without blowing up. In particular, try practicing deep belly breaths and grounding exercises whenever you can so that it’s easy to remember when you’re stressed out.
For more help setting boundaries, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work
