3 Ways to Deal with Toxic Family Over the Holidays

Ah, the holidays! That time of year when families and loved ones come together to celebrate the season.

For anyone with toxic family members, the holidays can be a major source of stress.

You may feel obligated to attend events even though you’d rather be doing literally anything else with your time. Maybe it’s so bad you’re debating cutting certain people or gatherings out of your life completely. Or maybe you feel stuck in a situation where not attending will create more drama than sucking it up and attending.

If you or someone you know is dreading an upcoming holiday but are still planning to attend, here are 3 tips to get through it with your sanity intact.

Tip #1: Stay mindful to keep your cool

You walk through the door and already someone is criticizing your outfit, your hair, or life choices.

Maybe your uncle goes into a drunken tirade in the middle of dinner or your cousin won’t stop bragging about how successful they are. Or maybe your in-laws keep nagging you about when you’re going to give them grandchildren.

How do you keep your cool? The first step is practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness is about bringing your full attention to the present moment without judgment. It’s about cultivating the ability to be present with what’s happening, as it’s happening.

This allows you to be more of an objective observer of what’s happening instead of getting swept away by it.

Mindfulness has become a bit of an empty buzzword in recent years, so it’s important to remember that it’s not the solution to your problems, but rather the mechanism that allows you to effectively handle your problems. At its core it’s just simple present-moment awareness.

If you start to feel the anger or frustration rising inside of you, or feel tears welling up, take a few deep breaths (excuse yourself to another room if needed) and check in on how you’re feeling. If you’re alone, say what you’re feeling out loud (or in your head if you’re around others).

“I’m noticing I feel really angry right now because mom is criticizing me. She does this whenever I visit home and I wish she wouldn’t.”

Saying what you’re feeling out loud allows your brain a few extra moments to process what’s going on and prevents a fight-or-flight response. This gives you the space to make a choice.

You can ride the emotional wave and decide how you want to respond instead of immediately reacting and putting yourself back into a familiar pattern or argument. If you have time, try practicing mindfulness before your trip so it’ll be easier to call upon this skill in the moment.

Tip #2: respond assertively to insults and criticisms

As a general rule, it’s better to respond than react.

You’ve started using mindfulness to give yourself a moment to respond, and here is where you want to work on responding strategically and assertively. Every interaction is a feedback loop: one person says or does something and the recipient says or does something in response.

Even a non-response (for instance, saying nothing) is still a response. An unhelpful or unhealthy loop will continue until one person chooses to respond in a different way.

You don’t have control over how the other person responds, but you can always choose how you respond. When someone is being critical, they are typically trying to send a poorly communicated message.

Below are some examples of how you can respond assertively when someone is being rude or critical, without getting into an argument.

Related: How to Be More Assertive

Assertive Communication examples

Here are some common scenarios that you may have encountered in the past with two different ways of replying: reacting vs. responding.

“That’s what you’re wearing?”

Reaction: “You always do this! Why are you so critical of everything I wear?”
Response: “Yes, I like this outfit. I understand if it’s not your taste or what you would’ve chosen. I’d prefer you not comment on how I’m dressed next time.”

“When are you ever going to get married?”

Reaction: “What, I’m not good enough because I’m single?”
Response: “I hear you’re concerned about me finding a partner. There’s no need to ask, I’ll let you know if and when I plan to get married.”

“No one ever helps out around the house!”

Reaction: Roll eyes and ignore them
Response: “Are you saying you’d like more help? If you need help, I’d like you to tell me specifically what to do.”

“(Person) is so much smarter/more successful/better than you.”

Reaction: “I’m so sick of hearing about how great (person) is!”
Response: “I can see you really admire them. If you’re going to share their accomplishments, I’d like you to do so without comparing me to them.”

Notice how the responses include what you’d like the other person to do differently next time. Nasty criticism doesn’t provide any useful information and a knee-jerk reaction won’t provide anything useful either.

This doesn’t mean you need to meet someone’s anger with passivity to avoid a fight. You’re just not meeting their anger or nastiness with aggressiveness. Assertiveness allows you to stand up for yourself in a respectful way.

Tip #3: Block out negativity

It’s hard to get bombarded with negativity, whether it’s complaining or ignorant statements.

Depending on who the person is, it may be unlikely you’ll ever change their mind. Often people get the most defensive when they’re called out in front of others and will escalate their behavior.

If it’s someone you’re close to, consider pulling them aside and letting them know that their statements bothered you.

If they start to get defensive, use your assertiveness skills to defuse the situation. Let them know you’re merely reflecting how you feel and that you wanted to share your perspective.

If they’re more distant, consider whether it’s better to just let it go.

I’m not advocating for always turning a blind eye to ignorance, but it’s important to gauge whether you have any influence. If you’ve tried and failed in the past, it’s unlikely this year will be any different.

You can try being assertive in a new way to see if that helps, with the understanding that you may just have no influence over this person. Remind yourself that their attitudes reflect poorly on them, not on you. You aren’t responsible for the way others think and behave and you can only do so much to prevent harm.

Bonus tip: set expectations ahead of time

I was recently featured in Better Homes & Gardens discussing how to ask family members to quarantine and take necessary precautions before attending Thanksgiving. Check it out for useful tips to handle family that refuse to participate!

Yes, It’s Fine to Ask Your Family Members to Quarantine Before Holiday Gatherings

Remember: you can’t change people, but you can change the way you interact with them. Do your best to forgive yourself if you still blow up, storm out, or fall back into old patterns. New skills take practice and will eventually become second nature.

If you’re struggling to set boundaries with the various people in your life, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work. You’ll get practical guidance and script templates to help you create and maintain boundaries.