3 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

Managing day-to-day life can be tough, but when you suddenly throw a death into the mix, life can become chaotic and unmanageable.

One of the biggest issues grieving individuals struggle with is finding enough social support.

They may be too clouded in their grief to even know how to ask for help. Maybe you know someone and are confused about how to help them or worry that you’re going to make things harder for them.

The good news is that there are some simple and effective ways to show up for a grieving friend or loved one. Here are 3 simple ways you can support a grieving friend.

If you’re struggling to support a teen, I’ve written another post that offers additional guidance specifically for grieving teens.

Offer Specific Support

When someone is grieving, it can be hard to know what kind of support is needed let alone ask for it. So whenever you offer to help, try to be as specific as possible.

When asked, “What do you need?”, most people are conditioned to say they’re fine and don’t need anything. Your friend may have been raised to believe they need to take care of themselves and not burden others with their problems.

Asking for help can be a tremendous struggle. And because this becomes such an ingrained habit, it can become hard to even articulate what you need.

If you’re regularly checking in and offering help, but your friend constantly says no or that they’re fine, try changing your questions:

Instead of: “Do you need anything?” or “How can I help?”
Try saying: “I’m making [dish], when will you be home so I can drop it off?” or “What’s a household chore you need off your plate?”

This subtle shift into offering specific support can make a huge difference because it takes the responsibility off your friend to come up with ideas. Sometimes people just need someone else to step up and tell them the support they can offer.

Continue to offer support, even when you’re unsure They Still Need It

Society can make it seem like there’s there's an acceptable window of time you’re allowed to be sad.

People wish you well, bring food, and offer support. But once that window passes, it's like you’re supposed to go back to normal regardless of whether you’re ready.

Many people feel pressured to move on, so they stop asking for help. Deep down, they still need and want the support and wish someone would just ask them how they're doing.

Imagine suffering a terrible loss and wondering whether everyone else has forgotten or still cares about you. Sometimes there’s nothing better than knowing someone is thinking of you.

Make a point to check in with them periodically, long after you think they need it. I've never once heard someone say they were annoyed that a friend asked how they’re feeling and if they needed extra support.

Quick tip: Instead of asking, “How are you?”, try “How are you today?” Rather than a pleasantry, this feels more like a real check-in or invitation to share.

Say Something, Even When You Don’t know what to say

You may not always know what to say, even during the best of circumstances.

But there are ways to let your friend know that you’re thinking of them. I often hear from clients that they don’t want their loved one to be forgotten and they don’t always want to be the one to bring them up.

Did you know the deceased? It’s OK to say you miss them. Want to share a funny or happy memory? Try saying something like, “I have a funny/happy/silly memory of [name], let me know if you’d like to hear it.” They’ll either say they’re not quite ready or they’ll say yes, they want to hear it.

Either way, you’ve let them know it’s on your mind and your friend may feel less alone in their grief.

If you’ve got nothing concrete to share, try something simple like:

“Even though I don’t know what to say, I want you to know I’m thinking of you both and am here for support.”
“I wish I knew what to say to make the pain go away. I’m here for you.”

These simple statements can make a huge difference by letting your friend know they aren’t alone and it’s OK that they’re sad.

It’s easy to worry about bringing up a lost loved one because you might be afraid of opening a wound or stirring the pot. But know this: the griever is already sad! You mentioning you’re thinking of them will not make them more sad, it can actually be a great source of comfort.

Whenever you feel helpless or powerless to comfort your friend, remember that there’s nothing to fix because grief isn’t fixable. You don’t need to make their pain go away or fix things, you just need to be a steady presence for them. This will create an environment that invites healing and will make it more likely your friend’s pain subsides.

If you ever feel stuck or don’t know what to do, I really like this sentiment from The Art of Comforting: Grievers don’t feel worse when someone reaches out the wrong way, they feel worse when someone doesn’t reach out at all.