How To Take Care Of Yourself Without Feeling Guilty

You probably keep hearing over and over how important it is to take time to care for yourself. You know you need to do it, but there's a part of you that feels guilty about it.

Maybe it seems selfish and indulgent. But rest and relaxation is a key part of living a sustainable life.

Self-care is not the solution to your problems: it’s the fuel that allows you to effectively deal with life’s problems.

First we’ll talk about what real self-care really is, why we often feel so guilty, and then I’ll teach you some simple exercises to stop feeling bad every time you want to relax.

Why is Self-Care Important?

I define self-care as taking the time to care for your health. It seems really obvious, but we’re often bombarded with messages that it’s all about pampering yourself. This distinction is important because while some pampering can be part of your self-care routine, it’s not the real purpose.

When you don't take time to relax, you actually perform worse. Here are two versions of the same problem: a big, scary presentation.

You’re working day and night. You stay up late every night, never getting enough sleep. You don’t spend any time with friends and feel socially cut off. You're exhausted all the time and totally miserable. You start to feel resentful that work has overtaken your life. You go into your presentation tired, overworked, and resentful.
You have the exact same presentation, but this version of you sets aside time every day for hobbies and social activities. You stop work by a certain time, regardless of how much is left so you can get enough sleep. You go into your presentation clear-headed and energized (and maybe a little nervous, that's OK).

Which one of these experiences sounds more enjoyable and sustainable?

What gets in the way of self-care?

Maybe it's not a big presentation, there’s something else in your life. Maybe your day is filled with parenting responsibilities, relationship drama, or a toxic co-worker. Whatever you're dealing with day-to-day, self-care is the way to recharge yourself before you’re completely drained.

It's one of the ways you can handle whatever annoying crap life throws at you without being miserable and anxious all the time. Especially when you’re responsible for others, it’s the first step to helping them.

We can’t be good parents, caregivers, or partners if we’re not fully present. Self-care helps us fully show up in our relationships.

Take a look at your schedule and ask yourself:

How much time do you set aside for yourself?
Do you feel like you get enough rest?
Do you spend your free time bored or anxious?

How to stop feeling guilty about self-care

Now that we’ve covered how important it is, how do you stop feeling guilty about it? One way is to create your own unique version of self-care, called mindful self-care.

Self-care isn’t just bubble baths, face masks, and manicures. It’s the things that energize and refresh you. It doesn’t have to be grand and time-consuming either – just taking a few moments to water your plants is self-care. So is:

Drinking enough water
Walking or moving around
Reading
Having an engaging conversation with a friend
Pursuing hobbies without fear of judgment
Therapy

The list is pretty much endless! It really comes down to using your time in an intentional way. You don't even have to call it self-care! Your unique version could be called something completely different if you’d like. Maybe it feels more personal to call it recharging your battery, filling your cup, or intentional free time.

What to do when you don’t have time for self-care

If you keep telling yourself you don’t have time, find ways to incorporate what I call “micro self-care” into your day. This is simply taking a whole activity and making it as small as possible.

If you don’t have time for a full yoga class, try doing one pose
Set aside a few minutes to enjoy a cup of tea or favorite snack
Listen to one song
Call a friend and have a quick, 5-minute chat
Microtize something else you enjoy

Consistency and frequency are key, not length. In fact, research has shown that even 1 minute of meditation is helpful!

Don’t want until your battery is completely drained before recharging. Just like you’d schedule a meeting in your calendar, schedule your self-care time, making sure you’re setting aside at least a little bit everyday.

What to do if you still feel guilty

Once you’ve started to build up your routine, it’s totally normal to still feel some guilt. Take some time to reflect the next time you feel that little voice telling you there's no time. Where do you think this message came from? Here are some questions to consider:

What was your favorite thing to do as a kid?
Did you have a lot of chores and responsibilities growing up?
How did your parents take care of themselves?
How do you help others in distress?

Reflect on the answers and see what comes up for you. Any new or interesting information you hadn’t considered before? You can also think about the things you enjoy and what makes them enjoyable.

Guilt Exercise:

The next time you want to engage in self-care, but feel too guilty, try this exercise. This will help you get to the root of your guilt to examine whether it’s helpful or getting in the way.

Notice the guilt and take a moment to think about what it’s telling you to do
Ask yourself, “Have I done anything wrong?”
If the answer is no, remind yourself that guilt is an important function that helps us make amends when we’ve done something wrong. Since we haven’t done anything wrong, there’s nothing to fix here
Do the thing and notice how you feel afterwards. Are you relaxed? Feeling better? More energized?
Take a few moments to savor any positive feelings and recall them the next time you have this same struggle

These are just a few ways to help start shifting your mindset from viewing self-care as an indulgent waste of time to a way of taking care of your mental health.

It’s an important part of bringing intention into your life by cultivating the kinds of experiences you enjoy, and most importantly, valuing your time.