How to Let Go of Control To Feel Less Anxious

Are you tired of feeling anxious and out-of-control? Maybe something’s happening that you don’t want or you’re trying to make something happen that isn’t.

When you feel uncertain, it’s natural for your brain to try to control things to retain a sense of safety. Unfortunately, trying to control the uncontrollable is a sure-fire way to feel anxious.

The good news is that while you don’t have control over what happens around you, there’s still plenty of things you can control. Here are some tips to let go of things out of your control so you can feel less anxious and more grounded.

What do you have control over?

You don’t have much control over what happens around you: whether it’s outside events or other people’s behavior. And internally, you also don’t have control over certain things, like your thoughts or feelings.

You can actively conjure up a thought or image, but otherwise you have tens of thousands of thoughts per day. This means it’s not your fault if you have an automatic or intrusive thought, or suddenly feel a wave of sadness.

Your brain is constantly firing neurons faster than you even notice and trying to control what shows up naturally will just cause more stress and anxiety. It’s important to start by recognizing where you do have control.

There are 2 things you have control over:

Your behavior
Your immediate environment

Whenever you feel out of control because you don’t like what’s happening around you (or inside you), try to reorient back to where you do have control. Your behavior and the way you respond to what’s happening is within your control.

So while you don’t have ultimate control, you do have choices.

When you stay mindful of your internal experience, you give yourself enough space to make choices. You can choose how you show up to things, how you treat others, and you can choose what kind of person you want to be at any given moment.

How to make good choices

Choices are something you have control over. Whenever you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself: “What choice do I want to make here?”

Are you feeling a knee-jerk reaction that isn’t necessarily going to serve you you well? If so, you might be reacting to something familiar and older than what’s in front of you.

Try asking yourself what choice feels like it will serve you well. If you’re unsure, take that as a signal that this is a moment to reach out for help or support.

When faced with something you don’t like, do you tell yourself “I don’t have a choice”? How does that leave you feeling? For me, I start to feel constricted and trapped, or hopeless. That doesn’t leave me in a state to make good decisions.

Thankfully the idea that you don’t have a choice just isn’t true because there is always a choice. You may not always like the choices you have to make, but they’re still yours to make.

For instance, if you’re required to do something, you can choose not to do it. While that choice probably won’t serve you well, it’s still technically an option.

If you’ve committed to something you no longer want to do but feel obligated, you still have an abundance of choices. You can choose to:

Skip it entirely
Go and be miserable
Go and figure out how to make the best of it
Go and be miserable and then do something fun afterwards

Whenever you hear the phrase I don’t have a choice in your head, I want you to go through all the choices you have, no matter how outlandish or unrealistic.

Remind yourself that you always have a choice. Again, it may not be the preferred choice, but you still have the power to make it.

Letting go of control

When you desperately want an outcome, it can feel like the alternative is just not an option. It’s hard to remember that you have no control over outcomes.

You can do everything perfectly and still not get the outcome you wanted. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, that’s just the way things go sometimes.

You could be a perfect fit for a job. You’ve studied the company and sharpened your interview skills, you showed up and nailed the interview. Even after all that, you could still not get it. Maybe the owner’s nephew needs a job, or they decide to hire internally. Maybe it’s a combination of several things.

You could choose to be angry and beat yourself up, tell yourself there’s no point in trying, and that you’re a failure. Or you can hear that critical voice and choose to respond differently. You can be angry at the injustice of it, the company, or something else. You can feel sad and soothe yourself, encourage yourself, and reach out for support.

You can remind yourself you did your best and don’t get to control what happens. Notice what you’re telling yourself and ask yourself what choices you can make today.

Find the positive in your lack of control

You can choose to see the randomness of the universe as an obstacle, or you can choose to see it as an opportunity. The idea that anything can happen can be frightening or liberating (or both).

I’m sure you’ve struggled with this, I know I have. I’ve certainly had moments of wishing I had control over something, whether it’s an outcome or someone else’s behavior. If I resist the idea that I don’t have control, this only exacerbates my anxiety and suffering.

The equation pain + resistance = suffering has never been more apparent.

It’s hard to let go of control! There may even be some grief in there without you realizing it.

If all you want is control, you’ll never get what you want. And when you don’t get what you want, whether it’s connection, understanding, certainty, or an outcome, you’ve lost something. When you lose something, you grieve.

When you lose something conceptual or something you never had to begin with, you still need to grieve. If you cope with this, then you can reduce your suffering.

How to Cope With Negative Feelings

Negative feelings are uncomfortable, and most people try desperately to make them go away. Unfortunately, this tactic rarely words.

Learning to cope with negative feelings will not only help reduce the intensity and severity, but also allow you to make better choices overall.

Start by noticing what’s coming up and allow yourself to sit with some uncomfortable feelings for a little longer than you normally do.

Mindfully observe if your brain is going through every what-if scenario and typically landing on worst case disaster.
Feel how these thoughts influence your body: you may notice your heart beats a little faster or there’s a pit in your stomach
Notice that it feels uncomfortable: observe any kneejerk urge to make it go away and consider you have a choice in how you respond
Take a deep breath and tell yourself “This sucks. I wish it weren’t this way. Maybe something bad will happen, or maybe it won’t. I don’t know. I hate not knowing. What choice can I make in this moment?”

You may not know exactly what to do in any given moment, but giving yourself a chance to make a choice is incredibly empowering. The more empowered you feel, the less your anxiety will dominate your experience.

Try this exercise the next time you’re struggling with something out of your control. Try talking to yourself the same way you would a friend and notice how it feels afterwards.

While letting go of control is hard, ultimately it’ll help you feel less anxious and more empowered to make wise choices that serve you well. It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re caught in a control spiral, but noticing the impact it has on you is a good first step.

The next time you’re struggling, check in to see if you’re fighting against your lack of control. If so, take a few deep breaths and practice these skills. You may find it easier to let go of the things you can’t control and focus more on what you do have control over.