6 Ways to Support a Partner with Depression
Does your partner struggle with depression or another mental health concern? Do you wonder how to best support them?
Living with a partner with depression can be so challenging and cause an immense amount of stress for both of you.
Every relationship is different, but I want to offer some effective ways you can support your partner without damaging yourself or the relationship.
Here are 6 ways to support a partner struggling with their mental health.
Table of Contents
Communicate Openly and Lovingly
Let Them Know They’re Not a Burden
Offer Mindful Encouragement
Enlist a Friend to Encourage Them
Cultivate Your Own Support System
Remind Yourself That Things Can Get Better
1. Communicate openly and lovingly
Many people with depression don't reach out for help because they feel hopeless, like it wouldn’t matter if they did.
A lot of clients describe their depression as a kind of dark shadow that casts a cloud over their life. Hearing someone you love say something like, "You can always talk to me, I'm here for you" can make a huge difference.
One of the best things you can do is be open to hearing whatever it is they say, without judgement.
Don't take everything they say personally and avoid trying to convince them that their life isn’t so bad, or that they should be grateful for what they have. It doesn’t matter how objectively wonderful someone’s life is, depression can still cast a dark shadow that envelopes every part of a person’s life
2. Let them know they’re not a burden
Besides feeling hopeless, another reason someone may not reach out for help is because they don't want to burden their loved ones.
They probably already feel like a burden, especially if you are taking care of the lion's share (if not all) of household duties and chores. They need to be told explicitly that they can reach out for help, that they will receive it, and that it is not burdensome.
Try saying something simple like, "I want you to know that I'm here for you, and that you're not a burden."
They may need to be told this regularly for it to stick. Knowing they have your support can go a long way into helping them feel like themselves again. You may need to repeat this message consistently for them to allow themselves to believe it and take action.
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3. Offer mindful encouragement
I really appreciate the saying, “If you're too depressed to do anything, simply do the dishes (or do one thing).”
If your partner doesn’t want to get out of bed all day, encourage them to just take a shower. Or just do the dishes. Or any other simple task you can think of.
Something to keep in mind is that encouragement can be tricky because if you’re not careful, it may come off as putting pressure on them to "get back to normal". It may add to their concern that it’s hopeless they’ll ever get better or that they’re a burden.
It's crucial that your tone doesn't imply that an activity is mandatory or that they’ll get in trouble. You’re simply helping them set small, realistic goals.
If they still struggle to get smaller tasks done, have a conversation about what happened and whether a different goal would be better. Use it as an opportunity to problem solve together.
4. Enlist a friend to encourage them
Sometimes we're too embarrassed to do something until we know our friends have tried it. Take therapy, for instance.
There's still stigma around therapy, despite it being incredibly beneficial for depression and other mental health struggles. Your partner may not be into the idea, even if they suspect it may help. Or they may want to start seeing someone, but are too afraid to try. You may have brought it up several times and gotten nowhere.
Have any of their friends seen a therapist? Reach out to see if they’ll talk about their experience. If they feel comfortable sharing, have them let your partner know the ways it helped them.
They don’t have to get specific, but a general idea could be quite powerful. If there are no friends or family willing to share their experience, there are lots of great online forums to read other’s experiences.
In this way, not only are you helping your partner, you're also doing your part to remove the stigma around therapy.
5. Cultivate your own support system
It's not easy to support someone suffering from depression. Just as your partner needs you for support, you too need your own support.
Because your depressed partner doesn’t have the capacity to be a strong support system for you, you’re likely expending an excess of energy that quickly drains you.
If you don't take good care of yourself, you may start to feel resentful and burnt out. It’s likely your partner fears being a burden, so it's crucial they don't inadvertently become one.
Take a moment to reflect on who can support you while you support your partner. Support should come internally and externally, and you can’t over-rely on either of those to get all your needs met. Think about who you turn to when you’re struggling.
Is there a part of you that doesn't want to burden your friends and family or feel embarrassed about sharing? This is super normal, and just imagine what it would be like if you added that depression cloud!
This is a great way to model healthy coping to your partner by utilizing your own resources and getting adequate support.
Related: Overcoming Self-Care Guilt
6. Remind yourself that things can get better
There will be days where you reach your breaking point. You might feel helpless, your chest feels tight with anxiety, or you might start to worry that things will just never get better.
You may start to worry that this is the new normal and you’re stuck. You’d understandably feel angry and hopeless.
If this happens, take a long, deep breath. Remind yourself of the love you carry for your partner and the love they carry for you. Mentally send yourself compassion for the struggle and pain you’re in and that you have a deep need that’s going unmet.
When you feel that warmth and compassion for yourself, try sending some to your partner for the struggle and pain they’re in as well.
Then call or text a friend, family member, loved one, or talk to your therapist. Let them know you’re struggling and that today feels hard.
Living with someone struggling with depression can be hard on you both. It’s important to take time to figure out what works for you and your relationships. These are just a few ways to help support a partner with depression. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out for help when you need it!
