7 Ways to Support a Grieving Teen
Losing a loved one is one of the most painful things a person can go through.
Grief is a shock to the system and we don’t always know what to do when faced with seemingly impossible pain.
For many teens, this is their first experience with loss and so they may not have all the tools to cope in a healthy way.
You may feel stuck wondering how to help, what to say, or what to do. This is one of the most difficult transitions a person can experience. There are lots of different ways to support a grieving loved one, here are a few you may find helpful.
Table of Contents
There’s No Wrong Way To Grieve
There’s Nothing To Get Over
Don’t Minimize Their Grief
Don’t Force Them To Talk
Shield Them From Unhelpful Comments
Encourage A Ritual
Do Your Own Self-reflection
1. There’s no wrong way to grieve
Everyone experiences loss differently, there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to handle grief.
Your teen may experience complicated, even conflicting, emotions all at the same time. They may feel isolated and want to cry, or they may want to laugh and joke with friends, and this may change regularly. It may even change on an hourly basis.
Acknowledge that this is probably a very confusing time for them, but it’s not unusual – in fact, it’s very normal. Let them know there’s no right or wrong way to feel and that you’re not judging them.
This is not to say they can say or do whatever they want at any time.
It’s important to continue to hold compassionate boundaries around any disrespectful behavior or if you’re concerned they’re not taking care of themselves. Consistent routines and discipline will provide them a sense of safety and security.
2. There’s nothing to get over
Your teen might be feeling external and internal pressure to return to normal, especially since it’s unlikely their friends have had similar experiences.
Grief is remarkably uncomfortable because it is the ultimate unsolvable problem. Our brains are very complex problem-solving machines and can’t stand not being able to solve something. There is nothing we can say or do to make the pain completely go away because it can’t be fixed.
In the face of something this unsolvable, humans tend to avoid feelings of helplessness, which is likely where the phrase “time heals all wounds” came from.
The larger societal message we can glean from this phrase is that eventually it will be time to “get over it”. For those experiencing loss, grief never really ends. It is a lifelong, evolving process that many describe as the ebb and flow of waves.
This doesn’t mean the acute and severe pain they feel immediately following a death will remain permanently, but it also doesn’t mean they wake up one day feeling completely “back to normal”.
Be direct with your teen to let them know that although the pain they currently feel may subside over time, there is no pressure to get over it or move on and that you will provide them space to heal.
Help them find a healthy balance of acknowledging and moving through the pain and allowing themselves to heal and feel joy again.
Related: How to Effectively Break Bad News
3. Don’t minimize or discount their grief
When a person has lost someone they care about, it’s natural to want to make their pain go away by making it seem like it’s not so bad. But unfortunately, this usually has a paradoxical effect.
This message is particularly important for pet loss. Many people minimize the pain from losing a pet because they don’t consider it enough to justify feeling sad, depressed, or even hopeless.
The last thing you’ll want to do is shame someone for a natural reaction to losing someone they care about.
Even if you were repulsed by your teen’s pet (like if they owned a snake or rat), or you don’t completely understand why they’re so upset, make sure you still validate their feelings. All kinds of loss will invoke grief, even if when it doesn’t make rational sense.
You don’t want to unintentionally traumatize a kid that’s already struggling. Remember that you don’t have to share their feelings to acknowledge and hold space for them. Simply acknowledging that you understand and are there for them is more than enough.
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4. Don’t force them to talk
Following a loss, many teens need time before they’re able to talk openly about the deceased or the circumstances surrounding their passing.
If your teen isn’t ready to discuss anything, honor that boundary by letting them know it’s OK and that you’ll be there when they’re ready. Simply being present with someone while acknowledging and supporting their pain is incredibly healing.
Research shows that when a person talks about an upsetting experience, this can re-traumatize them because they’re reactivating the same stress response they experienced at the time. So simply talking about a death won’t help your teen process their complicated feelings.
Know that they’ll talk when they’re ready! In the meantime, you can model healthy coping skills by being open about your reactions and feelings, and encouraging self-care activities.
If you think they could benefit from talking to a counselor, offer it as an option and respect their wishes. Grief groups can be especially powerful to show them they’re not alone and give them a different kind of peer support.
5. Shield them from unhelpful comments
Society is not well-equipped to handle death or conversations around death.
When people are uncomfortable or don’t know what to say, they may ignore or avoid the situation – or worse, they may say something hurtful or insensitive.
Prepare your teen for the possibility of unwelcome, insensitive, or hurtful comments from both adults and their friends.
It’s important to emphasize that it’s not really about your teen, it’s actually about the other person not knowing how to help or what to say. Let them know that although others may care, they may not know how to show it properly.
Prepping them for the possibility that other people might say upsetting things will help shield them from the pain of unhelpful comments. Being prepared may reduce the negative impact of hurtful statements.
You can also encourage them to think about what they need from their support system. Here are some questions you could ask:
Would they prefer to hear that others are sorry, sad, or nothing at all?
Do they want people to ask about the deceased or is it too painful to discuss just yet?
Do they want people to reach out or would they prefer to reach out when they’re ready?
If they’re not sure, have them reflect on past encounters or pay attention to future ones to notice what feels helpful or harmful. You can also encourage them to tell you as they experience it.
6. Encourage a ritual
As you help your teen through this process, it may be helpful to encourage a ritual to honor their loved one’s memory.
Here are some prompts to get started:
What were some phrases or lessons they learned from the deceased?
What were their passions or hobbies?
What kind of activities did they like to do together?
Collaborate with them to figure out how they can continue to stay connected and carry the person (or pet) with them in their heart.
It could be writing in a journal, lighting a candle or incense, listening to a favorite song, or a celebration on anniversaries. Allow them to decide whether it will be private or involve others.
It’s also OK if they don’t feel ready to do this or don’t want to at all. Since grief is such a personal process, some people may find meaning from these rituals, while others may find it unhelpful.
7. Do your own self reflection
It’s hard to witness pain in someone you care about, and it’s even harder when you also share that pain. Here are some important questions to consider as you’re helping your teen navigate this process:
How did your family deal with or discuss death when you were growing up?
Was your family uncomfortable with death?
Is this process new for you as well?
Are you the in the midst of your own grief?
There may be parts of you that are grieving, angry, relieved, or feeling immense guilt. If you’re struggling, take some time to send yourself compassion for how difficult it is to comfort a loved one when you’re also grieving.
Remember that finding support for yourself is as important as finding it for your teen. Reach out and cultivate your own support system to ensure you’re getting just as much help.
Related: How to Practice Self-Compassion
Your teen will likely never stop missing their loved one, but with enough support they can move through the grieving process in a healthy way.
Remind them that this is their journey, they do not need to follow anyone else’s timeline or road map.
You don’t have to be a perfect support system, you just need to show up for them.
